Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
