at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
