I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
