the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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