pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
