if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
