He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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