apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
