On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It's official drugs can't kill me
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
