I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
