Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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