i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
