I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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