Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
