Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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