THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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