Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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