thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
