My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize