If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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