her facebook's as public as her vagina
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
