it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
