Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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