Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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