I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I think people are normalizing furries
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize