i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
