i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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