I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
