just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
