I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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