Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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