I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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