she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
