If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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