Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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