Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
