maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
