found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
