she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
