this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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