I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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