Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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