I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
