I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I have surprise drugs for everyone
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize