I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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