i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize