Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
