toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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