I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
