my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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