the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Randomize
