He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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