I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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