you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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