I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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