My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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