I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
