I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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