you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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