This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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